


no heart to break, so shed no tear

by eagle_eyes



Series: The Aro Anya Agenda [2]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Aromantic, Aromantic Character, Bittersweet Ending, F/F, Internalised aphobia, Other, and how much is her fear of being alone, anya is aro but also wants some kind of relationship with tara, but also it's ambiguous how much of that is her real feelings, essentially anya is bad at separating her lack of romantic feelings, from the fact that she used to be a demon, seriously this gets pretty heavy, the anya/tara isn't really romantic but there's not a short and simple tag for
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:21:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28135347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eagle_eyes/pseuds/eagle_eyes
Summary: A story about love, and the way Anya doesn’t want it for herself and wants it so so badly all at the same time.
Relationships: Anya Jenkins/Tara Maclay, Tara Maclay/Willow Rosenberg
Series: The Aro Anya Agenda [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2061282
Comments: 3
Kudos: 7





	no heart to break, so shed no tear

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "The Toy Soldier's Song" by The Mechanisms because I'm determined to be obnoxious about this band on every account I have
> 
> This is easily the most self-indulgent thing I've ever written and I make no apologies. If anything I'm proud of myself for managing to combine my aro Anya headcanon and my love of Anya/Tara angst into one fic!
> 
> Already mentioned this in the tags but I think it's worth repeating that this DOES get pretty heavy at points and isn't always the most positive view of aromanticism. While I'm not the same flavour of aro I think Anya is (I'm also ace and I've never had any desire to be in a relationship) a lot of this is still based on my personal feelings and since I'm still working on being comfortable in my own aro-ness some of those feelings ARE negative.
> 
> That said, I think this is a lot more uplifting and hopeful than my other aro Anya fic, which is probably a good sign. At this rate the next time I write an aro Anya fic it will be completely positive and fluffy!

There’s something wrong with her, Anya knows. She hasn’t... _felt_ , properly, since Xander left her at the altar. Since she became a demon again. It’s like she’s been hollowed out, or...no, that’s not it. It’s more like she’s hollowed herself out, torn out her own heart and put nothing back in its place.

But no, that’s not it either. What it’s really like is that she was always hollow, but had packed the space in her chest so tightly with her dreams of a future with Xander she’d forgotten it was there. And now those dreams have been ripped out of her like so much cotton wool and the emptiness in her is just _there_ , gaping like a wound. 

She can remember being in love. Or, to be accurate, she can remember what she _thought_ at the time was being in love but now finds herself doubting. She’d _liked_ Xander, certainly. Hell, she’d pretty confidently be able to say that she loved him. But Xander would say he loved Willow and Buffy, and he wasn’t _in_ love with them (at least not since senior year), so clearly that wasn’t enough. 

The concept had puzzled Anya at first, which she feels silly about now but in her defence spending over a thousand years as the Patron of Scorned Women will do strange things to your concept of love. As a demon she hadn’t had friends outside of Hallie, and their relationship had been too based around violence and vengeance for words like _love_ to be applied to it. The only form of love she’d understood had been the kind that her clientele had told her about - that once-in-a-lifetime kind of bloody passion that only one person in particular could bring out. 

So, all this considered, it was no surprise that it took a while for Anya to wrap her head around the way that Xander and Buffy and Willow loved each other - easy and unselfish and shared without jealousy or insecurity. The idea that a love could be so deep and so entirely platonic at the same time just hadn’t made sense to her. No wonder she’d harboured so much jealousy towards Willow for so long. If she could narrow down the lessons she’d learned as a vengeance demon to one singular perfect truth, that truth was that love was finite - you couldn’t just share it. The fact that Xander, the one person in particular she’d chosen as her link to humanity, loved other people who _weren’t her_ had terrified her. Looking back she can only cringe at her own immaturity, but at the time it had seemed borderline reasonable. 

Once upon a time, none of it would have mattered to her at all. Back when she was a demon, and powerful, she’d known better than to depend on love. It was fleeting and fickle and only ever seemed to cause people harm. She just didn’t understand the appeal - other than the fact that it sometimes resulted in sex, which in her mind was a good thing.

But things had changed when she’d lost her powers. Not at first, not all at once; at first she hadn’t bothered to adjust her mindset, still trying to lead the independent, self-serving life of a demon that her new-found helplessness would never really allow. Falling for Xander had been the road to Damascus. It had been unexpected, and not entirely wanted, but the possibilities it raised had caused a spark of hope to start growing within her. The hope that maybe even she, not quite a demon anymore, not quite yet human, could be granted humanity and redeemed by love.

She couldn’t as it turned out; she’s still a demon, through and through. She’d be tempted to dismiss that as the so-called “power of love” only going so far, but she knows better. The power of love restored Tara’s mind and saved the world from Glory and pulled Buffy from the grave. The problem isn’t with love, the problem is with Anya. The problem is that she doesn’t know how to love the way she wants to.

It makes sense, really. Of course she can’t feel love the way that real humans can, she was a demon for so many years after all. That has to be the explanation for it. It has to be.

So she does the only thing she can - throws herself back into her life as a demon and tries her best to shed the last vestiges of humanity. Long ago she might have turned to love for salvation, begged it to make her human, but she’s not human and there’s nothing it can do for her anymore.

It’s a blessing really, she tells herself. Her years as a vengeance demon and the disaster that was her engagement to Xander have taught her well that love is a source of nothing but pain. It’s for the best that she can’t really feel it.

There’s just one problem. One tiny spanner in the works that turns all of Anya’s ideas on their head and makes her ache with all the things she can’t feel.

She’s scared. Beyond scared of being alone. She doesn’t know who she is without other people, and part of her doesn’t want to find out. 

Her new independent “I’m my own person” attitude is brought down slightly by the fact that she doesn’t actually know who her own person is. Who is she without another person to build her life around? She has a love of vengeance and an uncanny eye for business, but that isn’t enough to make a person.

No, she needs someone else to make her whole. And if Xander can’t be that for her, she’ll just do what she’s always done when things get hard and run to the next person or thing that’ll have her.

\--------

She’s still trying to get back on her feet after being left at the altar on the day when the world shatters and Anya’s problems are no longer important. The day that Tara gets shot and Willow decides to take out her anger on everyone else in the world. Tara is ok, as it turns out, but it’s a close thing, and the knowledge of Tara’s survival isn’t enough to sway Willow from her path. If anything it makes it worse - only serving to strengthen her belief that she needs to destroy everything to protect the people she loves.

Fortunately the power of love pulls through as always, and Xander pulls Willow back from the edge where the rest of them all fail. It doesn’t magically fix everything - Willow has to go to England with Giles to get her magic under control and Tara is stuck in hospital for a few weeks on account of her nearly dying - but at least the world is saved once more.

It puts a slight damper on Anya’s plan to commit to demon life though; she’s not heartless enough to abandon the others completely in their time of need. Instead she makes sure to visit Tara in hospital at least once every three days, and to bring her a lot of nice “get-well-soon” gifts because it’s not like vengeance demons need money so she might as well spend the last cash she made from the Magic Box on her friend.

Open-hearted as ever, Tara barely seems to notice that Anya’s a demon again. Every time she comes to visit Tara beams at her and makes her feel welcome. It’s almost like nothing’s changed. For an hour every few days the two of them can forget the heartbreaks they’ve both been through and laugh together and enjoy each others’ company.

It’s during one of these visits that it hits Anya like a freight train, the way she always thought love was supposed to. 

She loves Tara. Not romantically (she’s fairly sure, she can tell the difference now), but she indisputably, unconditionally loves Tara.

Funny how it sometimes takes a person nearly dying to make you realise how important they truly are. 

The second she realises that everything else seems to fall into place. If she’s going to spend the rest of her life with anyone, it might as well be her best friend, the one person who has always cared about her and treated her well and understood her. And if she’s being honest, her feelings towards Tara aren’t exclusively friendly. She’s always found Tara attractive, and not just in a pretty way but in more of a “If it weren’t for the fact that we’re both in monogamous relationships I’d be down” way. But for the first time since they met they’re both single at the same time, and something about that knowledge is a little bit intoxicating.

A couple of years ago, Xander had explained to her the concept of “friends with benefits” (she can’t remember how it came up and figures it doesn’t matter). It had taken a while for her to understand it, and once she had she hadn’t liked it much either. The concept of sex and romance existing separately to each other had brought up slightly too many troubling questions, and so she’d elected to quietly shove the information off to one side and ignore it.

Now things are different. Now she understands who she really is. She’d always clung to her own sexuality as proof that she loved people, but now she realises this was just a facade. She’s attracted to Tara, and she loves her, but she’s not _in_ love with her, and those are three facts that can coexist together. It’s all a bit confusing. Especially seeing as despite her lack of the feelings that would normally justify it, she also kind of wants to rest of her life by Tara’s side. And if that’s less because she loves Tara and more because she needs her in order to feel like a person, then so be it. She can always make herself forget again, that there’s a difference between needing people and loving them.

\--------

She thinks of telling Tara how she feels the day she’s finally discharged from hospital. The Scoobies decide to throw a small party for her to celebrate (not really a party by anything but the most generous definition, it’s just Buffy and Xander and Dawn) and Anya isn’t _technically_ invited on account of her being a full fledged vengeance demon again, and it’s not like she even really wants to hang out with the Scoobies anymore, but Tara is Tara and of course she has to show up to her “welcome home” party.

It’s a melancholy evening, Willow and Giles’ absence visibly weighing on everyone. But in spite of the less-than-stellar circumstances everyone makes an effort to put their sadness aside and just enjoy themselves for one night, and it turns out pretty well. Tara looks so _happy_ that the Scoobies thought to have any kind of celebration for her, and Anya can’t help but think she’s glowing. 

It would be so easy. She could ask Tara to help her to get drinks from the kitchen while the others were distracted goofing around. She could make sure they were alone and then tell Tara everything. Spill out all the hopes and dreams of a heart that never beat quite right. It would be so easy if she were brave enough.

But she can’t actually say anything. What the hell is she supposed to say? “Hey Tara! I know you’re probably really upset about your ex-girlfriend turning evil and nearly destroying the world and having to go to England for magic rehab, but if you’re looking to move on from that then I’d really love for us to be friends-with-benefits but with slightly more commitment”? Even she understands enough about human interaction to understand that _that_ wouldn’t go over well.

She can’t _do_ anything about it. She’s stuck, paralysed by her own inability to _want_ Tara the way she knows she should. Tara’s her best friend, better than even Hallie, who shared a thousand years of vengeance with her but wanted nothing to do with her the second she was made human. She knows Tara, knows she’s a hopeless romantic who wants to spend her life with someone who makes her feel special. She knows she dreams of getting married one day, once it’s legal, and maybe adopting a kid or two. Tara might not be as obvious about it, but Anya can tell she’s every bit as in love with the idea of love and commitment as she once was. 

And so, as Tara’s best friend, Anya knows that she’s not the kind of person who’d want the relationship she can offer. One where they’re sleeping together but not together-together. 

She likes to think that maybe in another world, a world where Anya was a real person and not just a demon playing pretend, the two of them could have been happy together. After Tara was betrayed by Willow and she herself had her heart broken by Xander, they could have found solace in each other. Found love again with each other. She could have shown Tara that things could be better even when they were going through the worst heartbreaks of their lives. If only she wasn’t hollow to her core.

So Anya just twists her hands together, and stares across the room at where Tara is laughing with Buffy, and tries to force herself to feel something.

\--------

There’s moments though, scattered throughout the long summer when Tara is recovering from getting shot and Willow is off in England doing magic rehab, when Anya lets herself imagine what it would be like. To spend her life with Tara. A life where they move in together and tell each other how their days were and make each other breakfast and kiss and have sex and do all the things that real human beings do except for the one tiny detail that Anya doesn’t love Tara. She can’t love her the way she’s always wanted to be loved, but she takes care of her and does everything she can to make her feel special. And Tara, in this beautiful fantasy that Anya pretends she doesn’t wish more than anything to be real, doesn’t mind that it’s all fake. 

And as the summer goes on and Willow doesn’t come back and Tara turns to her more and more for help, Anya starts to believe that maybe it doesn’t have to be a fantasy. Maybe it could be real. Maybe they could make it real.

It’s a terrifying thought, that she could have something almost the same and yet completely different than what she’d expected to have with Xander, back when she thought she loved him. But even though it wouldn’t be romantic in the traditional sense it’s something of a romantic notion, and part of Anya thrills at the idea of the two of them carving out something unique for themselves. Something so close to what she always thought she wanted and yet so different. Something special and just for them. 

Anya knows she’s not good at talking to people. Never quite grasping the nuances of normal conversation, always saying the wrong thing. So she tries to write it down, tries to figure out how to tell Tara that she loves her, just not in any way that matters, but that she’d offer Tara the rest of her life if she’d take it.

Of course, by the time she’s actually managed to untangle the words and put them down in a pretty order, Willow’s back and everything changes. Not at first, of course. At first Tara is still hesitant around her ex-girlfriend, still trying to decide if she can take the leap of faith needed to trust Willow again. But Anya should have guessed the two of them would be inexorably drawn together like magnets. 

She doesn’t notice in the beginning. She’s vaguely aware that the two of them are spending more and more time together, but by the time she works out that they’re actually _reconnecting_ it’s too late. And then before she even has time to mourn her impossible, rapidly fracturing dream of their life together, Tara, the closest thing she can have to someone she’s in love with, is nervously asking her if she thinks it’s a good idea. Her and Willow trying again. For about a second Anya wants to scream at her, ask her why she even thinks Willow deserves another chance after everything she’s put them through. But she crushes the instinct quickly. It’s not worth it, and if she’s being honest with herself, it’s not even fair to Willow, who to her credit has tried very hard to make amends to them all.

More importantly, it wouldn’t be fair to Tara either. What right does Anya have to jeopardise her friend’s chances at a relationship with someone who can actually love her the way she’d want them to, just because she wants to keep Tara to herself? She’s been human (or something like it) long enough to know that’s not how these things work.

And so, as graciously as a demon (former or otherwise) can, she bows out of the race no one even realised she was running in, and lets Tara make her choice. 

Tara chooses Willow, because of course she does. And Anya would be fine with it, she really would, if they weren’t all stuck in the same house hiding out from The First’s minions (and in her case, D’Hoffryn’s) together. But they are, and even Anya’s best efforts at avoiding being in the same room as them can only get her so far. So she just has to deal with the way Tara smiles at Willow when their feet tangle together on the couch, and the way Willow giggles when Tara kisses her in the kitchen, and the way Anya doesn’t want any of it for herself and wants it so so badly all at the same time.

\--------

It’s a cold winter morning, and they’re both sitting out on the porch of Buffy’s house, getting a rare moment of respite from the house that’s now inhabited by the Potential Slayers, and Anya’s aware that she’s being kind of a bitch. Tara’s gone off on a monologue about this really interesting spell she’s been researching with Willow, and under normal circumstances Anya would, as good etiquette demands, listen politely and nod and ask some inquisitive questions, with the understanding that Tara will then do the same for her when she starts explaining the fascinating comings and goings of the stock market, or whatever else takes her fancy that day.

But today she’s not in the mood for that. It’s stupid and petty, she’s aware, but right now she’s just in the mood for a fight.

“So you two are, what? Doing spells again?” she asks with a dismissive wave of her hand.

Tara gives her a look that’s almost wounded enough to make her back down, but not quite. “Yeah, Anya. We’re witches, that’s kind of what we do.”

Anya shrugs, “Sure, sure, I’m just a little surprised you’re ok with doing magic with Willow, that’s all. Y’know, considering the...everything.”

Tara gives her a concerned look, “Do - do you think we’re moving too fast, because we haven’t cast together in over a year Anya, it’s not like I’m just rushing back into this -”

She can only be crabby with Tara for so long. “Yeah, yeah, I know, it’s just...I’m worried about you, that’s all.” A half-truth, but better than nothing, “I mean, you’ve been hurt before, a couple of times. I wouldn’t want to see it happen again.”

Tara looks like she’s about to protest on Willow’s behalf, and Anya quickly preempts her, “I know, I know, she’s done a lot of work to get her magic under control and be more responsible and make amends and all that, but I still...I don’t know if it’s enough, I guess.”

Tara smiles that soft smile of hers. The one that could make anyone who receives it feel special and understood. Anya might be painfully aware she can never feel the same way about Tara that Willow does, but _god_ it’s not like she can’t see how Willow feels that way.

“I appreciate the concern, Anya, but I hope even if you don’t trust _Willow_ completely, you can at least trust _my_ judgement on this. This isn’t some rash decision, we’re both taking this seriously. We’ve talked about stuff and we’ve set boundaries and we’ve put in the work, you know? We both want this to work.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Anya begrudgingly admits, “I may be outrageously cynical and all, but even I can tell that the two of you care about each other. Maybe _too much_ sometimes,” she looks pointedly at Tara, “I mean, for the sake of all of us I pray you never almost die again or who knows what will happen -”

“ _Anya_ ,” says Tara, a warning note in her voice.

“ _But_ , as much as I refuse to stop giving her shit for it, Willow’s little turn to the dark side did come from a place of love and that’s...that’s good, I guess. Love is good.” She tries not to let the bitterness creep into her voice, and only fails a tiny bit. 

“Not always. I’d have thought you’d know that better than most.”

“Yeah, well…”

There’s an awkward silence, heavy with all the things Anya isn’t ready to admit.

Tara looks at her curiously, “What?”

Anya sighs, “You know I love you too, right? Not in a gay way, obviously,” She’s not sure when she got so good at lying but today she’s thankful for it, “I don’t want to step on Will’s toes or anything. But I really care about you, Tara. I hope you still know that.”

Tara looks at her curiously for a second or two, then her eyes go wide, “Oh. _Oh_ , I see what this is.”

Panic flashes through Anya, “What? No you don’t. What is it?”

“Anya, are you...are you worried we’re not gonna hang out anymore now that me and Will are back together?”

It’s a fair assumption - it doesn’t quite capture the whole truth, but as always Tara has cut to the heart of the issue. Anya _is_ worried about losing her, maybe not in quite the way Tara believes but that doesn’t make it any less true. The only answer she can honestly give to the question is “Yes”.

“No.” Pause. “Maybe. A little bit. Shut up, I don’t care about your relationship drama and our friendship means nothing to me.” 

“Anya, oh my god it’s _ok_. You don’t have to be scared you’re not gonna see me anymore just because I’m dating Willow again.”

“You sure?” Anya glances at her warily.

“Of course! I’d never do that to you, Anya. You're my friend. You’re family.”

“But isn’t that how it works? I mean, y’know, you find your other half and suddenly it’s like no-one else matters? I thought that’s just what humans _did_.”

“Anya, I love you, and I mean this with all affection, but you have _got_ to stop getting all your ideas of how human life works from either TV or sad people who’ve just gone through bad breakups.”

Anya rolls her eyes and smiles despite herself. “Well, ok, when you put it like _that_...”

As always, Tara isn’t looking at her with any judgement, just endless sympathy. “You’re one of my best friends, An! We’ve been friends since back before me and Will broke up. The two of us getting back together isn’t going to change anything.”

“You say that, but I feel like we’ve got so much closer since you broke up. I mean we’d never have hung out one on one like this before, right? And I...I like spending time with you. I don’t want to lose that.”

“I like spending time with you too, An! And I’m glad that after that break-up I had the chance to see you and Buffy and Dawn one-on-one more. I wanna keep that up.”

Anya smiles, open and honest as ever. For the first time since the wedding she lets herself think that maybe things will be ok. “Thanks, Tara.”

“You don’t have to thank me.”

“I want to though,” Anya shrugs, “Look...maybe it’s just that this is the first time I’ve been single at the same time you’ve been not-single. I’m not used to it.”

“Human relationships sure are complicated, huh?”

“You can say that again!” Anya laughs. Tara laughs too, and for a few minutes they just sit there together. Just two people reminiscing on the past. When Anya speaks again, it’s softer than she ever has, as if she’s afraid of shattering this gentle moment. 

“The thing is, the whole time I’ve been a human my whole view of life, all my plans for the future, they’ve been so centred on having a partner. On getting married, starting a family. That’s the traditional way of doing things as a human, right? I don’t know who I am without that. I don’t know where I’m going if the end result isn’t marriage and 2.5 kids. They don’t really give you a handbook for that.”

Tara hums thoughtfully. “Maybe there’s more to humanity than you thought. And besides, you’re a very unique person, Anya. I’m sure you’ll figure something out.”

“I _am_ , aren’t I?” Anya agrees smugly, and for just a second feels a rush of that old confidence she’d had when she first started dating Xander. When she understood nothing about humanity but knew with utmost confidence she could make it hers.

And maybe Tara’s right, maybe she can make this hers too. She exists as she always has, not quite human, not quite a demon, but herself completely. Anya Jenkins, who thinks and understands and _feels_ in a way that is entirely her own.

For the first time in longer than she can remember, she’s rudderless, directionless, without a plan or a goal. If one were to ask her the classic question, “where do you see yourself in five years?” she would genuinely be unable to answer. But for the first time she’s also her own person and no one else’s, and it’s terrifying and exhilarating and beautiful all at the same time.

She doesn’t know what the future holds, and part of her wonders if she has a future at all. But tonight she’s sitting next to the friend she can’t love quite the way she wants to, the friend who loves her just the way she needs, and she is herself.

She is Anya, and she is as human as she has ever been, and she is as terrifying and beautiful as the future ahead of her, and tonight she is happy.


End file.
